I constantly find myself trying to fulfill everyone’s expectations of me. Those expectations are like plates. I spin plate after plate until I am racing around trying to keep all the plates spinning. Of course, I can’t and so they spin out of control and go crashing to the ground. Sometimes I get lashed at because the plate broke, sometimes I beat myself. Sometimes I can’t take the pressure anymore, so I cave in. Mt. St. Morgan erupts and unfortunately my kids take the brunt of it because they were nearby when it happens.
Why? Because I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid to seem incompetent in other people’s eyes. I’m afraid to look like a bad parent, dismal pastor’s wife, uncaring Christian. So I strive to keep all the plates spinning without asking for one moment if God told me to spin that plate in the first place.
God cares about my heart more than He does about me spinning plates. Now don’t get me wrong, we definitely have responsibilities we need to fulfill. But sometimes I add more. Or sometimes I’m too afraid to let go of a plate and let it crash so I can take care of the responsibilities that matter more (like God, my husband, and my kids).
I’m afraid to fail. I have a feeling I will fight that fight until I the day I die. But I am learning (and was reminded again this week) to let go of what other people think of me and look up. In the end, only God’s expectations matter.
“But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details. There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42 NLT).