Category Archives: Personal

Personal, Writing

Daughter of Light

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For those of you wondering what my debut book is about, here is a blurb I wrote up this past summer:

Have you ever seen inside the human heart?

I have.

I have seen the darkness that hides within, I have felt the feelings of hatred and lust, heard whispers that still haunt my mind. With one touch I see what no one else sees: the very soul of man.

I am a mirror. I reflect the darkness within. I rip away the lies and deceit wrapped around the heart until all that is left is darkness and light. I expose the truth. And am hated and feared for it.

Why would the Word give me such terrifying power? Why must I see the darkness in others?

I never wanted this. I tried to rip the mark from my hand. I tried to hide it. I even ran away. It worked for a time. But a power like this cannot stay hidden forever.

And so I have been banished from my village. I run from those who wish to kill me. And hide from others who hope to twist my power.

Only a few stand beside me. But even they cannot follow me down the long dark road that lies before me. Only one can. The One who gave me my power.

Someday I will pay the price for my gift. For men do not want light, they want darkness. But until that day comes, the Word will stand with me and by his power I will shine.

***


As the Shadonae rise in the west and war threatens the north, a young woman discovers she is not human…

Banished from her village, Rowen Mar finds sanctuary in the White City using a leather glove to cover the strange mark on her hand. She lives in fear that if she touches another person, the power inside her will trigger again, a terrifying power that allows her to see the darkness inside the human heart…

But those called cannot hide forever. For the salvation of her people lies within her hand.

Daughter of Light.


Releasing April 1st, 2012 (and no, that’s not a joke :)) through Marcher Lord Press and Amazon. Ebook to follow…

Christian Life, Personal

Not Your Typical Parent Expectations

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A couple weeks ago Dan and I went out to dinner with some friends of ours. At the time, they were waiting the arrival of their daughter. My husband, in his usual inquisitive fashion, asked what they were most looking forward to with this new little one. Their answers caught my attention. They were not what I was expecting. In fact, they were quite the opposite of what most parents can’t wait for.

Let me give you a little history so their answers make sense. My friends were blessed with a special little baby boy with a rare chromosomal disorder. Since the moment they found out, their lives took a drastic turn off the common road most parents travel along. Instead of colicky nights, blowing kisses on tummies, and peek-a-boo, my friends spent almost all their time at the hospital with their son in the NICU.

That little boy touched more lives in the few months he spent here on earth that most of us probably will in our lifetime. And through their son, my friends came to know God.

Here, in the words of my friend, is what she is looking forward to with their second child:

What am I looking forward to the most with this baby? Most people, when asked about what they are looking forward to with having a baby will think instantly of baby cuddles, laughs, and kisses. While I’m looking forward to these things as well, there are other things that for most parents are the “ordinary” or “things to dread” that become things to look forward to for parents who have had a sick child.

I am looking forward to: poopy diapers, 24 hour care, teething, bringing home a newborn, doctor’s appointments, colds, learning to tell when she is sick, vaccinations, dressing the baby, sleepless nights, trying to breast feed, laughter, crying, using a basinet, watching the baby learn her way around.

Not what I looked forward to when Philip came along let me tell you! But when my friends shared their answers, I saw their excitement. They want to experience those things: the things other parents take for granted, or even dread.

As of writing this, their little daughter entered the world this past week. She is a beautiful little girl with a head of hair and ten pink toes :). And now they are starting down a whole new path in life.

Christian Life, Personal

I Have Stubbornness Issues

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For any of you who have watched How to Train Your Dragon, you’ll recognize my post title (actually, the exact quote is “Vikings have stubbornness issues”). Lots of good quotes in that movie. If you haven’t seen it, you need to check it out.

Anyway, this quote always stuck with me for two reasons: a)most of my family is Norwegian descent, thus making me viking, right? 😛 and b) I definitely have stubbornness issues.

I have a hard time letting go. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes that’s a bad thing.

How can stubbornness be good? It can give you the willpower to keep going when you want to give up. Its that inner drive that won’t let you let go until you reach the end.

It’s what helped me work the last six months when I didn’t want to get up in the morning and had to say good-bye to my kids. I knew that what I did benefited my family at the time. It’s also what has kept me writing the last eight years (and keeps me from highlighting the entire manuscript and hitting the delete button :)).

But stubbornness can can also be bad. Sometimes you do need to let go. There are times when I need to let an issue drop and move on. Or realize I won’t have all the answers as to why something happened.

For example, I’ve been working on my edits the last couple weeks. I try and do a chapter a day. I was working on a more difficult chapter and the day was slowly slipping away. At that point, I should have realized that I needed to walk away and take a break. Spend time with my family. Instead, I hunkered down over my computer and pressed on.

I finished my chapter that day. But I also missed opportunities with my family. Was it worth it? Not in my opinion. When I was tempted to do that again, I walked away from my computer and finished later on that night, after the kids were in bed.

That’s when I don’t like being stubborn. Because it’s hard for me to let go. I can get tunnel vision and press on, to the detriment of those around me. But it can also be a good thing, giving me the power to press on. I think in the end, I need to listen when God (and others) speak and say it’s time to let go.

I have stubbornness issues. And yes, I gestured to all of me 😉

 

 

 

 

Personal

Working Mother

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The last six months have taught me a lot about a world that, before Dan lost his job, I knew very little of personally. You see, I have been blessed to be able to stay at home and raise my little ones. Sure, I worked a couple months after Philip was born, but it wasn’t the same. When I entered the workforce six months ago, I had four kids close in age and no end in sight when I would be home again. I was officially a working mom.

Here are some things I learned while living in the world of the working mother:

1)   It’s hard! You feel this pull inside of you: you want to be home with your children but you also know that what you are doing helps your family stay afloat during financial hard times. I didn’t meet one working mom who didn’t wish she could be home with her kids.

2)   Balance. You have to learn to balance work, family, and husband. You learn to put aside anything that takes away from those because you simply do not have the time to do anything else. It was during those months that I finally and completely gave my writing over to God. I was willing to walk away from my dream in order to help my family. However, in the fullness of time, God had other plans.

3)   Most women work because they have to. I found in this depressed economy, whichever spouse could find a job, that was the one who worked. I want to bring this up because a misconception I ran into was most women who work do it to have the second car or nicer house or more spending money. Not true. Almost every woman I worked with did it because she had to.

4)   If a woman is working, her husband is a bum. Another misconception out there. Yes, there are bums for husbands, but most are either going back to school because they could not find a job in their current field, or the wife was able to find a good paying job faster than the husband could. Is it ideal? Perhaps. I have seen families work quite well with the husband home.

5)   We need to support working mothers. They need encouragement. They already feel bad about leaving their families without the added pressure from their peers. Instead, take a working mother out for lunch. Give her a note or a hug. Watch her kids so she can have a date with her husband. Remind her God loves her and through Him, she can get through this time.

I love being home again. But I am also glad I worked. I was able to help my family out during a difficult time. I realized how many missed opportunities I had with my children before I went back to work. I met some amazing women. I learned what their world is like. And I learned to rely on God for strength to make it each day.

 

Personal

I Hate Roller Coasters

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I have always been afraid of heights. As a little girl, I remember one time crying when I was pushed too high in a swing. That and the fact that swinging made me sick. So when I grew older, I could not understand the fascination people had with roller coasters. They wanted them faster, higher, go upside down, you name it. And people thought it was fun.

I decided my senior year to ride a roller coaster. If that many people thought it was fun, then it must be fun, right? I was visiting a college that fall for college view weekend. On Saturday we went to Magic Mountain. Everyone was excited. That’s when I decided I would do it. I would conquer my fear of heights.

I lined up with everyone else for this huge, fast, go upside down, painted in brilliant red roller coaster. As we snaked our way to the front, my stomach began to twist into a knot. The closer we drew, the more my insides coiled. But I was determined to do this. So when it came our time, I belted myself in with everyone else. And off we went.

It was terrible.

I thought I was going to die of shear panic as the roller coaster cranked its way to the top. Then down we went. I closed my eyes and prayed the entire way that I would make it off alive. I didn’t scream, I’m not a screamer. When I’m afraid, my brain shuts off. Maybe that will save me someday if zombies attack. They will think I’m brainless 😛

Anyway, I did survive. I stumbled off the roller coaster, clung to the railing and flung myself onto a bench. It took all my strength not to hurl all over the place. I sat there a good 5 minutes while the other students who were along for the college weekend waited. I finally looked up and gave them a weak smile. I spent the rest of the day watching others have fun on roller coasters and swore I would never ride another one.

Unfortunately, life sometimes feels like a roller coaster. I see the unknown and I panic. I want to get off the ride, but life keeps going, pulling me to the top. Then down I zip, through valleys of darkness and over tops of dreams. Half the time I have my eyes closed, praying I’ll make it through. Other times I feel sick.

But one thing I do know: while careening through life with my lips flapping in the wind, I’m safe. The roller coaster is not going to fall apart. I sometimes think it will. But it won’t. Because God is right next to me. And He oversees the whole thing.

When I remember this, I’m able to relax a little. I open my eyes and watch the sights flash by. And I finally enjoy the ride.

 

Personal, Writing

My Editor, My Coach

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I ran track and field in high school. Hurdles to be precise. I had this one coach who felt I had potential in the 300 meter hurdles. For those of you who don’t know much about track, its one of the most grueling races (in my opinon). You run almost a quarter mile as fast as you can—on your toes—while leaping over hurdles.

As you come around the curve and face the last 100 meters, you wonder how in all the world you’re going to make it to the finish line. You can barely breath, your calves burn, and you’re crying. Somewhere along the haze of pain you wonder why you didn’t chose some other sport, like tennis.

I am finding an editor is much like a coach. You work months and years to perfect your writing so that an editor will finally give your manuscript a second look and offer that coveted contract. But when the edits start coming, you wonder what he or she ever saw in your story.

What your editor saw… is potential. The skills are there, the story is great and it has a possible market. But the manuscript isn’t quite there, not yet.

So a good editor gets to work. And the newly contracted author wonders why she didn’t take up knitting instead :).

I am now entering the last phase of edits. It’s been hard. Really hard. But I have also learned a lot of good stuff. My editor has pushed me, helped me, and encouraged me. He knows I can do it (even when I’ve despaired). He’s a good coach. And for that, I am thankful.

 

*I originally posted this article at Hoosier Ink.

 

Personal

Anniversary

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Next week is my 12th anniversary. A lot has happened since I said “I do”. If you had told me all the crazy things that would happen over the next few years, I wouldn’t have believed you. Actually, if you had told me that I would marry Dan, I wouldn’t have believed you either ;).

It’s been a faith filled roller coaster with high highs and low lows. But not once have I regretted marrying Dan. We have so many stories to tell, so many experiences shared, so many tears, hugs and kisses. Here are a few:

2000- Remember Y2K? Dan and I were pretty happy to see the world still here after midnight. Two weeks later we were married and spent an amazing honeymoon at Disneyworld (you didn’t really think we would go to some tropical place, did you?)

2001- We packed up and headed down to Texas so Dan could go to seminary, the first of our many adventures.

2002- Surprise! We found out in January that I was pregnant. Not something we had planned during seminary. So glad God gave us Philip, though :).

2003- Moved to Walla Walla Washington. Yes, it really does exist. Dan started his first job as a pastor and I started learning what it meant to be a pastor’s wife.

2004- Along came Katy, our wonderful adventurous tomboy princess.

2005- Moved to Portland. Found out the last week in December that we would be having twins.

2006- There is nothing like looking like a whale (and feeling like one) during the hottest day on record for Portland. Dan bought a window air conditioner for me to sit by until I could go to the hospital (they turned me away the day I was due, so I ended up waiting two more days). At least I can say I had one of the biggest twins my OB GYN had ever delivered: 8lb boy :).

2007- Dan was laid off and so we moved into my mother’s basement.

Picture Dan took during sunset in Bandon

2008- Another move, this time to the Oregon coast. One of the most beautiful places I have ever lived.

2009- Celebrated an early 10th anniversary by going to Hawaii. That was fun!

2010- Moved again, this time to Indiana. I never thought we would move so much! But one thing Dan and I learned through each move is that God is with us and will take care of us.

2011- Dan lost his job. Remember those marriage vows? Rich or poor, in sickness an in health. Despite all darkness going on around us, we clung to God and each other.

2012- This year is yet to be written 😉

Do Dan and I have a perfect marriage? No! In fact, I think I can safely say that without God, our marriage would be in shambles. Or to be more honest, we would never have married. We are very different people. But we both want to follow God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. And by following God, we draw closer together. Because of Jesus we can forgive each other, love despite the cost, and find hope when life turns dark.

What’s next? Looking at our past twelve years, I’m afraid to guess. But I’m also excited. I have a wonderful partner in Dan and a God who’s leading our lives.

Personal

2012

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It was interesting to read my blog entry for January 1st, 2011 (here). Had I known what 2011 held, I would have given it back and probably asked for a better year. I saw death and I saw job loss. I faced days full of darkness and pain. I cried more this year than all the years before combined. 2011 was the darkest year so far in my life.

But the light of hope still shone, even when I could not see it. God provided for my family. He was patient with me as I wrestled with all the darkness both inside me and out. He brought friends that stood by us and helped us.

God never let go of me.

I now stand on the brink of 2012. What is this year going to bring? I know a couple things already. It will bring the fruition of 8 years of writing: my first book. It will bring the much-anticipated birth for a friend of mine. It will bring change as Dan and I move on with our lives to the next ministry God takes us to.

But those are only hazy glimpses. In the end, we do not know the future. And I’m glad. I would worry way too much ;). Instead, I know the one who holds the future. And I’m learning to trust in Him.

Personal

Thanksgiving

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2011 has been a hard year for my family. So when Thanksgiving rolled around, it was difficult at first to get past all the bad things to see the good. But as soon as I started, it was like a thousands lights filling my soul. I realized that despite circumstances, God has given me so much to be thankful for.

Picture of my family

First, I am thankful for my family. Three years ago, on the morning after Thanksgiving, my youngest son almost died. During that frantic car ride to the hospital, I believe he did. But God had compassion on my family and gave us Caleb back. We were shipped from hospital to hospital until Caleb and I were life-flighted up to Portland. None of the doctors could explain why our son went from healthy to dying in 12 hours. I don’t think we will ever know. But every time I looked at my son’s face, I am so thankful God let that little boy live. And not just Caleb, I am thankful for all my family. We are healthy and we are together.

Secondly, I am thankful for a home, food, and clothes. For the last couple months, Dan has been without a job. It has not been easy. But God has taken care of our every need. We still have a roof over our head. We have food to eat. We have clothes. We had a family give us a dryer when ours went out and we could not afford to get it fixed. We had someone else give us money to help get tires for our van (they were getting threadbare). I am thankful to God for meeting our needs.

On that note, I am thankful for my job. It came just when we needed it most. Through my job I have been able to help my family. Its also nice to have a job that I like going to every day. I hope someday to be back home, but working outside the home has given me a greater appreciation for what I had before and for those women who don’t have a choice but to work. Its hard to have a foot in both worlds, trust me, I know!

Most people never live to see a dream fulfilled, but this year I saw mine. At the end of July I signed my very first book contract. And not only that, but I signed with the publishing company I wanted, Marcher Lord Press. My first book, Daughter of Light, will release Spring 2012. That is definitely something to be thankful for :).

Early this year, Dan and I met a couple who became very dear friends to us. They have prayed for us, cried with us, and helped us during this dark time in our lives. That and they are as geeky as we are (and play a mean hand of cards :P). I am thankful for friends who when the storm clouds come, they stand right beside you.

I am also thankful for my husband Dan. He is a man of integrity, respect, and love; a man I am not ashamed to lift up before my children as an example to follow. No, he’s not perfect (trust me, I live with the guy), but I couldn’t have asked for a better companion in life. God blessed me when He brought Dan into my life.

Lastly, I am thankful for God. I do not list him last because he is least important on my thankful list, but rather because God is the one that holds everything I am and am thankful for. Without him, the rest of my list would not exist. He is the Light in my Darkness, my Defender, my Hope when all hope is gone, and the only One who could save my soul. Why God loves me with all the ick that dwells inside of me I will never know. But He does. And I am so thankful for that.

 

 

 

God's Character, Personal

A Tale of a Kitty

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Rosie’s life began as an abandoned kitten. She and her sister were found in front of a store, tiny and alone. Her sister had been hit by a car and had a broken leg. My friend found the two kittens and took them to the vet. There they received care for their wounds. Afterward, my friend took them home, provided them with food and began to look for a home for them.

At that time, Dan and I had begun looking for a cat for our home (I am a cat lover and firmly believe no house is complete without a purring machine :)). Months before we had to put down a kitten we had adopted. Tiger left a huge hole in our hearts, which we were now ready to fill. When I read Rosie’s story, I contacted my friend and said we would take the kitten.

Rosie came home and was immediately showered with love. Our dogs loved the feisty little puffball (they would actually sleep with her). She had toys, food, fresh litterbox, and any bed she wanted in the entire house. As I watched her play in the living room one day, I realized something: Rosie has no idea the life she was saved from. And neither do we.

Rosie was born a street cat. She was abandoned and left on the side of the road. Her life, if my friend and my family had not intervened, would have consisted of disease, hunger, and early death. But Rosie doesn’t know this. Even if I were able to speak cat language and tell her what she was saved from, she wouldn’t be able to comprehend this. She has a wonderful, loving family, plenty of food, and a place to lay in the sunshine.

In the same we, I don’t think we understand the life we have been saved from by God’s grace. Like abandoned children who lived in darkness, God came and rescued us. He bandaged our wounds, gave us hope, and brought light into our lives. Does that mean our lives are easy when we choose to follow God? No. But we have a loving Father who provides for our needs, watches over us, and will never leave us.

Funny how God uses small things like the life of an abandoned kitten to teach me about Himself :).