Hurts and Heartache

It comes in the form of a phone call, a letter, the distraught look of the doctor across the desk. You try to prepare yourself. But no matter how the news is delivered, it hits you like a punch in the gut. You reel back from the blow. Shock sets in. You wonder what you’re going to do. Life as you know it will never be the same again.

I know I’m not the only one who is or has gone through something, whether that is the death of a loved one, news that the cancer is back, or the loss of a job. And if you’re like me, you find your confidence shaken. What you once thought you believed you’re not sure about anymore. So what do you do?

As I prepared for this post, I read an article about the five stages of grief. As I read, it hit me: I was experiencing those stages. You do not need to experience death in order to have your world turned upside down. At first I found myself in denial. I kept thinking there had to be some mistake; that this was some kind of strange nightmare and I would eventually wake up, right?

But soon reality set in and I found myself angry. Really angry. I wanted an answer for why my husband had lost his job. But none came.

Then I began to bargain with God. I told God I would do anything if he would just get my family safely through this. Being a planner, I began to make plans after plans of what I would do to keep my family afloat. No matter the cost to myself, I would do what it took to get my family safely to the other side.

More days past and my plans fell to the wayside. Depression set in. I will admit its still here, sapping my heart and mind, clouding my vision. I once heard the Chinese symbol for perseverance was a heart with a dagger in it. I’m not sure if that’s true, but that is what life feels like right now. You hurt so bad you don’t want to move. But you must. Because life goes on.

The last stage of grief is acceptance. I can feel it on the horizon. But I’m scared of it. I’m afraid that if I accept what has happened, then that will make it okay. I know it’s illogical, but many times there is no logic in grief. Only deep intense feelings.

So where is God in all of this? Where is God during the hurts and heartache? I will be honest and say I don’t know why God allowed Dan to lose his job. I do not know what our future holds. And I hurt right now. But one thing I know, that in darkness there is light.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:5

That light is Jesus. No matter how dark life gets, it can never extinguish God. I am clinging to that promise now. And though I can’t see Him through all the pain, I know God is holding me. For if His hands can hold every star in the sky and He cares about even the smallest bird, then I know He will carry me through.

8 thoughts on “Hurts and Heartache”

  1. Hey, I’m right there too today. All I can think of is just to hang on to God like you’re trying to do. Email me if there is anything else I can do to help? I guess this is when faith “really counts” or something? When it is super hard?
    Love you,
    PS I guess today I’ll pray for direction for you guys- 😉

  2. Morgan,

    Just think of what the disciples must have felt when our precious Lord Jesus Christ died. They also much had gone through the five stages of grief. Once you get through this darkness though…this valley…you will find that your relationship with the Lord is more powerful, raw, and real.

    Even Paul stated this about his infirmity:

    And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Cor 12:9 KJV

    Paul was in prison and the Holy Spirit inspired him to write:

    I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. – Philippians 4:13

    You will look back at all of this with awe one day.

  3. Morgan,
    I can understand alot of what’s going on with you . I know that life seems so unfair at times and I don’t understand alot of what goes on in my life and wonder will it ever get better or is it always gonna be like this so much I know we don’t know about each othcer but we have alot in common alot of hurts I guess alot of us have hurts but just dont talk about them or try not to think about them thinking maybe the problem will go away . The bad thing is you wake up the next day and I find myself in the same situation and not much I can do about it there are things I have such Anger about I know I need to give it to God but easier said than done and some days I can and honestly some days I can’t . I will be keeping you in my prayers and if you ever want to get together for lunch or just talk Im always here for you ..

  4. Thanks Amy 🙂

    E.J. 2 Cor 12:9 has definitely been on my mind. Sometimes I wish the shattering that takes place in our lives to make us more like Christ didn’t hurt so much lol.

    Dana, thanks chica!

  5. Hi Morgan,
    I share my story with you in the hope it may give you some perspective on the workings of God and give you some relief in your heart that God will use this situation to bless you and your family if you work with him on it. It may help you if you seek him to understand why you are so affected by your husbands job loss, rather than why your husband lost his job. I hope my story will help you. God bless you.

    I lost a job years ago under very hard circumstances for me. I was set up by the false claims of 2 bosses and sacked on the spot within a Christian organisation. It rocked my world. The first 3 months I swung from depression to anxiety constantly. 5 years on I am recovered from the psycological damage, but it was a hard and painful road. God used this situation to bring me to an absolute broken state. I was independant, the ‘I can do anything’ person who coped in all situations. I always praised God that I had managed through many tragic and difficult life situations, but the reality was that I ‘coped’ and that brought a sense of pride to me. In reality I relied on my own strenth to get though the tough situations. I did things ‘for’ God and did not understand I was ‘in’ God and that my suffiency was what I had received from him, not a reward for what I did ‘for’ him.

    I held on till the death at the job, and when I frinally questioned myself as to why I did that instead of walking away and getting another job, the truth was that I thought if I lost this job, I would loose my financial security. At the bottom line, I didn’t trust God for my financial security, I trusted my talents and skills to do a job well, but in reality, I was starting to question whether my talents and skills were what I thought they were. I thought I was in control, but God showed me He was. It took me too long to realise that,and I was totally undone. But because he loved me, He humbled me by taking away my false security, and has taught me so much in the process.

    I have had a radical change of heart that now has me very aware that all I am, and all I have is from him. He can give and take freely anything he has brought into my life and I know that all that happens in my life has his approval in the sense that everything he allows to happen to me will work together for good for me. The ‘good’ is in relation to where I am in relation with him. I love where I am with God now. I am secure in Him. I no longer feel anxiety at the losses I might experience as I know if God is closing one door he is going to open another one. I am glad to have suffered the loss of a job that meant too much to me and to learn how to trust him for my security and give him glory for everything in my life. The reality is I was becoming a workaholic because my sense of worth came from my job and God saved me from that. My pride kept me from what God was trying to bring into my life for too long. I now know that he can do the impossible. I now take steps of real faith instead of coping. I am not afraid of finding myself empty of anything, because that leaves space for God to fill me. I know if He is for me then no one can be against me (even if it appears that way). I was a very tough one to crack, so my fall was very painful for me, but I landed in his hands and in His Grace.

    I know now that I could have saved myself so much pain and time, if I had sought God first on why I was so affected by what had happened to me. I don’t suggest that God is trying to teach you the same things I needed to learn, but simply hope you will see that he may be trying to give you something, bring you some deeper roots in Him, not taking something off you. I pray he blesses you in your journey……

  6. Hi Sandi!
    Thanks for stopping by 🙂 Thank you also for sharing your story. God has used the brokenness in my life to shape me into a more loving and compassionate person, to teach me my security is only in Him, to learn to forgive as He does. I do not believe that could have been achieved any other way (I’m a stubborn person :P).

  7. I must say I am so impressed with your posts. I hadn’t read any others at the time that I added a comment to this post and after I read some more I realised you are doing just fine and I so wanted to come back and scrape my comment off the page. You really do know God is in control and he will make sense of it all for you. Totally agree with you that God uses the brokenness. I’ve learned it is the best place to be. Its the place where we have nowhere else to go but to God and if that’s where difficult times leads us then WE ARE SO BLESSED.

  8. Hey Sandi!
    Trust me when I say I’m still learning 🙂 And I’m so glad you stopped by. This blog is about seeing God’s light in the darkness and your story fits right in.

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