Forgiving can be a difficult and painful process. But it heals the soul in the end. Here is my post on Forgiveness at oneanotherliving.com.
Category Archives: Christian Life
Sex, Romance, and Books
I read about a series that hit the bestsellers list on a blog a couple weeks ago. Intrigued, I went to Amazon to check it out… and stopped cold after reading the first review. My heart sunk and I felt sick. The descriptions the reviewer used made me blush and wish I had something I could clean my mind out with.
Shortly afterward, everywhere I looked, the book series kept popping up. I found it on lists, more blog posts, and everyday conversation. But what struck me the most were the people interested in reading this book: Christian women.
The book I am referring to is Fifty Shades of Grey.
Fifty Shades of Grey is about a young woman’s encounter with a brilliant, handsome man. A man who has dark tastes when it comes to the physical. They embark on a “daring, passionately physical affair” where the young woman explores her own dark desires.
That description alone made me hesitate, but then the reviews talked about all the sex in the book. Graphic, erotic sex. And then the blog posts started coming in. Even secular bloggers were taken back by all the sex. And not just regular sex, but more. No, I have not read the book, but when it shows up at the top of a list labeled “kinky sex” (I replaced a word), then there is definitely something disturbing (at least for me).
So why do I bring this up? To slam a series? No, to share my heart with you. What makes a book filled with descriptive sex any different than pornography? Both are visually stimulating. Both contain graphic content. And both are addictive.
You will never find a book with a white bunny and photos of nude women on the bestsellers list (at least I’ve never seen one). However, it seems that if the images are enclosed inside a story, then it’s okay. And to me, that is scary. Unlike a TV show or movie where you can just fast-forward through the scene, I find myself scrambling to a stop halfway down the page. But by then it’s too late. The words are already there, inside my mind. And with my photographic memory, they will never leave.
I write this post as a call to Christian women. For some, it is a warning about books like these. I stumbled into these kinds of books when I was a young girl and wish I had never opened the covers. I had no idea books with graphic sex existed. I had been taught that to look at naked people in photos was wrong, but not about books with naked people. So as a fellow Christian woman to another, I am warning you now that these books exist, and to be careful with what you read.
For others, this is plea to not go down this road. I will be the first one to say I love romance. I think it has been ingrained in us since the moment God first brought Eve to Adam (see my post about romance here ). But consider the romance in these books. Is it really romance? Or simply lust?
And I would take it a step farther and say reading books like these is no different than your husband sitting down with the latest Playboy. How would you feel if you saw him do it? How do you think he would feel about your book?
My friends, the images and scenes you read generally don’t stay in the living room. They follow you to the bedroom and can destroy the intimacy between you and your husband. Your husband will never live up to the hunky hero in a book. So it can be tempting to replace your husband inside your mind with the hero from your book. Or wish for a more exciting sex life, instead of finding fulfillment and pleasure in your husband.
Romance is good. Sex is good. But there are just some things that should be left behind closed doors and not displayed for the entire world to see. Even on the page.
For another great article about this subject, check out Mommy Porn is okay, But Daddy Porn is not
Achievement Junkie
I love achievements. When the xbox icon pops up that says I just unlocked master, I quick pump my fist in the air. When I come in first on Mario Kart and beat the entire game, I do a victory dance (with my kids dancing with me). The achievement list that was placed in World of Warcraft was made for a person like me. Found all the coins in the fountain in Dalaran? Me. Ironman in Warsong? Me again. Killed the Lich King while singing Itsy Bitsy Spider? Me. Wait, that’s not a real achievement ;).
I think this achievement need started when I was a child. I was never pressured to get good grades. It was something I craved, something I thought I needed. When I got an A, I didn’t crow. But I did feel deep satisfaction and searched for the next thing I could be best in.
I won awards for my athletics, for my grades, and for my art. I scored high in both my SAT’s and ACT’s. But it wasn’t enough. Once I had one achievement under my belt, I looked for another.
My achievement addiction moved into other areas of my life as I grew into adulthood. I knew theology and could debate with the best of them. I worked hard to have the perfect body to the point of hurting myself. I read everything I could so I could have the best pregnancy and birth. Same with being a mother.
Almost everything I put my hand to, I exceeded at. And if I didn’t, I dropped it and moved on. I would not waste my time on anything that I wasn’t the best at.
Funny enough, I never really wanted the limelight. That didn’t matter to me and in some ways scared a shy person like me. So why did I want to be the best? I couldn’t explain to you. There was this gnawing craving inside of me. I desired it and it made me feel good when I had it.
The dark times God brought me through over the last few years blasted through the fortress of Achievement I had in my heart. I have been humbled. I learned that all I have, I have been given by God. So when I published, I never dreamed that I would find that gnawing hunger inside my heart again. But it’s here, and it took me by surprise.
I have had people asking me how many books I have sold or how much money I have made. I have no idea. I’ve never asked. And I was delighted that I didn’t really care. But what I found myself craving was acknowledgement. I wanted to be the best… again.
I had coffee with a friend yesterday and I told her about this darkness inside of me. I was humiliated by it and didn’t understand it. Why? Why do I struggle with this? She pointed out something that I had never realized. It’s like a high for me. As soon as I achieve one thing, I look for my next high. I’m an achievement junkie.
I sat back in shock and knew she was right. I never understood why as a child I wanted good grades. Like I said, I was never pressured. But I wanted it anyway. And now that I know my addiction, I’m giving it to God. In the end, achievements do not fulfill, they just make me crave more of them. But God, well, He satisfies in a way that no achievement ever will.
Besides, I can’t claim anything. Good grades? God gave me my brain. Athletics? God made my body. A great book? I can’t tell you how many times I bowed my head and asked God to help me with a scene. And He did. So I can’t take the credit.
There is a saying I once heard on the television series Combat Hospital that stuck with me and made me think long after the episode ended.
“Are you doing your best, or trying to be the best?”
And that’s a question I have for you :).
Marriage is like Star Trek
I am a trekkie. I love almost every Star Trek and have watched each series multiple times. I own the complete Deep Space Nine, went to Star Trek the Experience, and have a Vulcan shirt. So it can be no surprise that one day I realized a great way to explain marriage was by using Star Trek.
Now, before I lose you, let me explain. It began with the idea of submission. The moment the “S” word is used, especially in the context of marriage, various emotions and words come to the mind to many people. Doormat, subhuman, inequality. Even I struggled with the concept of submission. Anyone who knows me knows that I am passionate about all people being equal in Christ. But the Bible also clearly states that I am to submit to my husband. How does that work?
This is how: every ship needs a captain. Dan is the “Picard” of our ship (family). But the captain does not do everything himself. He needs a first officer. So I am the “Riker” of the ship (and the one with hair too ;)).
Captain Picard makes the decisions for the Enterprise. He is also accountable to Starfleet. In the same way, Dan is the “captain” of our family and accountable to God for how he runs our family.
Riker is there to support Captain Picard. But that doesn’t mean he follows Picard blindly. There are a couple 
times he meets with Picard privately to state his objections to what Picard is doing. They meet in the ready room and Riker speaks freely.
Picard, like a good captain, listens to his first officer. He values the input of his first officer. There are times that Riker is right and it was a good thing Riker spoke up. In the same way, Dan listens to me. I appreciate that Dan values my input and considers my words. It makes me feel loved and respected as his wife.
Notice Riker speaks his objections in the ready room, not out on the deck where every ensign and officer can hear. He shows respect for Picard and does it in privacy. Same with the wife. Display respect for your husband and bring up concerns and grievances in private, not in front of others.
However, when Riker and Picard leave the ready room, they leave as a team and on the same page. Riker may not agree with Picard, but in the end, Picard is his captain and responsible for the Enterprise and will have to answer to Starfleet for anything that goes wrong. Riker has done his job, he has spoken to Picard, but now he needs to submit to his captain.
Both men are respected on the Enterprise and in the Federation. Both men are equally intelligent and popular. But because of the need for order and there can only be one captain, Picard fills that role. Riker is not any less of a human for being first officer. It is the role he fills and he does a great job of it.
In marriage, a man and a woman are both humans loved by God. Both are given God’s grace. But they play two different roles in the family. Each role is important and each role helps the ship sail smoothly.
When I reflected on my role and realized I am similar to Riker as first officer, I found my misgivings and fear of “not being as important” fade away. I am important. But I do not need to be the captain. Dan’s the captain and I can help him by being the best first officer there is.
And, in the immortal words of Startrek, together Dan and I boldly go where no man (or woman) has gone before: our own personal marriage. *Cue music 🙂
Christians and the Gaming World
I blame my husband. I played video games, but they mainly consisted of Mario and Tetris. It wasn’t until we moved to Dallas, Texas, and my husband Dan began attending Dallas Theological Seminary that I first had my taste of the gaming world.
One day, as he was taking a break from homework, I looked over his shoulder to find him playing Age of Mythology, an RTS (Real Time Strategy) computer game. I was intrigued. I started asking him questions. We traded spots, and he started showing me what each unit was and what the main goal was in the game. A couple days later, we linked our computers and became a gaming couple.
At first we started with RTS games. I would gather supplies and he would lead our armies. Then we worked up to some light shooter games like Star Wars Battleground. I usually would play the role of sniper and would cover Dan as he would run into hostile situations.
Eventually we made our way to MMORPGs (Massive multiplayer online role-playing games) and single player games on consoles like the Wii and Xbox. But our favorite games are those we can play together.
Early on in my gaming, I came to realize there needed to be boundaries in what I played. You can do almost anything in the gaming world (maybe everything). And a lot of it is stuff that has no place in my life. That conviction was reinforced when I read an article written by a Christian gamer. The main point he made in the article was never do anything in a game you would not do in real life.
Those are words I live by now in my own gaming. For example, one of my favorite games is the Elder Scrolls
series (Oblivion and Skyrim are two of the titles). In those games, you can join the Thieves Guild and the Assassins Guild. Because of my convictions, I chose not to join either guild and therefore did not play those particular parts of the game. Why? I would not steal in real life, therefore I will not steal in a game. I would not choose to murder someone in real life, so I won’t in a game.
Now you might be pointing out that most games consist of killing. Yes and no. It depends on the role you are playing in the game. Are you a soldier? In a war? Well, in that case, there will be some death involved. But I never will be an assassin, killing innocents for money.
I have also made the choice not to play overly gory games. I don’t need to see that kind of stuff on the screen. I’m thankful that there are now options in the settings to remove the gore out of most games.
Another area I place boundaries around is the romantic storyline in a game. I choose not to follow amorous relationships to the bedroom (yes, you can now do that in games and watch the cut scenes). No thank you.
So with all the potential pitfalls and dark elements in the gaming world, why do I still play? After all, wouldn’t it be safer to just not play at all? Sure it would. And I know a lot of Christians who choose not to play video games. But for me, I like playing video games because I like adventure, I like the unique stories, and I like being the hero (or in my case, heroine 
). It is also something my husband and I can do together and enjoy. And I like meeting other people.
The gaming world is a place full of real people with spouses and kids. It is also filled with people who have lost their jobs, struggling with suicide and looking for hope. In a time and age where front porches have disappeared and meeting people outside our own small circles becomes harder, games have become the new meeting place.
I have met people from all over the world and in every walk of life. I have been able to share my faith, encourage those going through hard times, and make new friends. I have been a part of both Christian guilds and regular guilds. The people on the screen are just as real as the ones you meet on the street.
But aren’t there dangerous people in the virtual world? Yes, there are stalkers and weirdoes and unsavory characters. Navigating through the gaming world requires good judgment and using your common sense. But as one person once pointed out to me, the gaming world is probably one of the least reached spheres of people. It is a dark place in need of light. Trust me, when you play with kindness and integrity, you tend to stand out, much like a candle does in a dark room. This uniqueness leads to opportunities to share the why behind your play style.
Christians and the gaming world do not need to be at odds with each other. Games can be a place to recharge the imagination, come together as a couple or a family, and meet people beyond your physical sphere of influence. And they can be fun too!
*I originally posted this article at speculativefaith.com.
Not Your Typical Parent Expectations
A couple weeks ago Dan and I went out to dinner with some friends of ours. At the time, they were waiting the arrival of their daughter. My husband, in his usual inquisitive fashion, asked what they were most looking forward to with this new little one. Their answers caught my attention. They were not what I was expecting. In fact, they were quite the opposite of what most parents can’t wait for.
Let me give you a little history so their answers make sense. My friends were blessed with a special little baby boy with a rare chromosomal disorder. Since the moment they found out, their lives took a drastic turn off the common road most parents travel along. Instead of colicky nights, blowing kisses on tummies, and peek-a-boo, my friends spent almost all their time at the hospital with their son in the NICU.
That little boy touched more lives in the few months he spent here on earth that most of us probably will in our lifetime. And through their son, my friends came to know God.
Here, in the words of my friend, is what she is looking forward to with their second child:
What am I looking forward to the most with this baby? Most people, when asked about what they are looking forward to with having a baby will think instantly of baby cuddles, laughs, and kisses. While I’m looking forward to these things as well, there are other things that for most parents are the “ordinary” or “things to dread” that become things to look forward to for parents who have had a sick child.
I am looking forward to: poopy diapers, 24 hour care, teething, bringing home a newborn, doctor’s appointments, colds, learning to tell when she is sick, vaccinations, dressing the baby, sleepless nights, trying to breast feed, laughter, crying, using a basinet, watching the baby learn her way around.
Not what I looked forward to when Philip came along let me tell you! But when my friends shared their answers, I saw their excitement. They want to experience those things: the things other parents take for granted, or even dread.
As of writing this, their little daughter entered the world this past week. She is a beautiful little girl with a head of hair and ten pink toes :). And now they are starting down a whole new path in life.
Twilight
Dan and I love to read books together and discuss them. We have read Harry Potter together, many of the Star Wars together, Artemis Fowl, Percy Jackson, etc… When I decided to read Twilight to see what all the hoopla was about, Dan read that series as well.
I found it was not as bad as people were saying. The writing aspect of the book accomplished what it was suppose to: create a powerful, emotional experience and explore the question, “What if a vampire loved me?”
But the question Dan and I talked about was the appeal. Why were millions of girls (and mothers) swooning over this series? Dan, I think, came up with the best answer: because we long to be loved by something we perceive is so much greater than ourselves.
Bella is a klutzy, moody, average looking teenage girl. She isn’t on the cheerleading squad and she isn’t class president. She comes from a divorced family and goes to live with her father in the backwoods of Washington. There is nothing special about her.
But for some reason, she is the only one who attracts Edward, a handsome and most desirable vampire.
I think every woman feels this way to some extent: that there is nothing special about her. Average, perhaps klutzy, moderately smart, and maybe only good at cooking. But secretly, inside her heart, she wishes to be something more. To be special enough to attract the one man/attention/award/_____ everyone wants.
Now I’m not going to end this post saying that something special is offered to every woman (and man), even though it’s true. We are sought and loved by something much greater than ourselves. God. But it is one thing to know God loves us in our heads, and to learn to embrace that truth in our hearts.
I’ll be honest. I’m still learning to embrace that. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to have a handsome vampire fall for me than to have faith in a God who I cannot see and believe that He loved me enough to die for me. Why? Because I could see it. Faith is hard, my friends!
But if you compare the two loves, even though God’s love is invisible to the eye, it is way better than the love of a vampire ;).
I Have Stubbornness Issues
For any of you who have watched How to Train Your Dragon, you’ll recognize my post title (actually, the exact quote is “Vikings have stubbornness issues”). Lots of good quotes in that movie. If you haven’t seen it, you need to check it out.
Anyway, this quote always stuck with me for two reasons: a)most of my family is Norwegian descent, thus making me viking, right? 😛 and b) I definitely have stubbornness issues.
I have a hard time letting go. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes that’s a bad thing.
How can stubbornness be good? It can give you the willpower to keep going when you want to give up. Its that inner drive that won’t let you let go until you reach the end.
It’s what helped me work the last six months when I didn’t want to get up in the morning and had to say good-bye to my kids. I knew that what I did benefited my family at the time. It’s also what has kept me writing the last eight years (and keeps me from highlighting the entire manuscript and hitting the delete button :)).
But stubbornness can can also be bad. Sometimes you do need to let go. There are times when I need to let an issue drop and move on. Or realize I won’t have all the answers as to why something happened.
For example, I’ve been working on my edits the last couple weeks. I try and do a chapter a day. I was working on a more difficult chapter and the day was slowly slipping away. At that point, I should have realized that I needed to walk away and take a break. Spend time with my family. Instead, I hunkered down over my computer and pressed on.
I finished my chapter that day. But I also missed opportunities with my family. Was it worth it? Not in my opinion. When I was tempted to do that again, I walked away from my computer and finished later on that night, after the kids were in bed.
That’s when I don’t like being stubborn. Because it’s hard for me to let go. I can get tunnel vision and press on, to the detriment of those around me. But it can also be a good thing, giving me the power to press on. I think in the end, I need to listen when God (and others) speak and say it’s time to let go.
I have stubbornness issues. And yes, I gestured to all of me 😉
Romance
Dan left for Kansas for 7 weeks and what did I do? I put in a chic flick and watched Little Women. As I was watching, I thought about the human draw to romance. There is a verse in Proverbs that puts it this way, “There are three things that amaze me—no, four things that I don’t understand… how a man loves a woman.”
I love romance. I love to see a man and woman fall in love. I enjoy it in movies, books, and real life. Romantic love is a mysterious, power thing. It is what pulls us toward the opposite sex. And for many of us, it is what brought us to our spouse.
God is no stranger to romance. In fact, He is the inventor of it. He could have made Eve many different ways: hairy and muscled like an ape or round and prickly like a hedgehog. Instead, He made her similar to Adam, but also different: beautiful, feminine, inviting. Like a puzzle, each edge fit perfectly with Adam. And Adam’s response when first meets Eve? Wow!
The book of Song of Solomon follows the romantic love between a man and woman: their powerful draw to each other, but also reminders not to awaken love until it is time. The story reads like a poetic dance between the two, culminating to marriage and the night thereafter.
There is nothing wrong with romance. It is a beautiful thing to experience personally and watch unfold in the lives of others. That is why we celebrate weddings and anniversaries. The love between a man and a woman is a mystery, and an amazing one at that.
Sometimes there are No Answers
I like answers. I want to know why something works, what happens when you do X, and how can I get the best outcome. I tend to get to the point, whether it has to do with work, solving a problem, or with relationships (about drove my husband mad with this early on :)). So when life doesn’t compute, I want answers.
Unfortunately, sometimes there are no answers to why things happen.
I struggled with this over the past year. Most of the time I can find an explanation on why God allows something to happen. You know, the usual answers: to grow us, to prepare us for a greater blessing, fill in the blank. But none of those answers seemed sufficient for the pain and tears shed over the last several months. I wanted to know why. I wanted a reason so I could close those doors, heal, and move on.
Did God let Dan lose his job because He has something better planned? Why did it feel God was leading us to church plant, to then not have it work out? Why do bad things happen to people who want to follow God’s plan?
I will admit this past year shook my faith down to its very core. I could feel the darkness closing in on me. I cried out to God, but couldn’t seem to hear Him. I felt alone and cold spiritually.
Now some people will say you should never question God. I believe its better to be honest with God. David was honest with God in the Psalms. Jeremiah the prophet was honest with God. God knows my heart and can see the hurt and confusion already inside. Through honesty comes truth. And with truth comes answers.
A couple weeks ago, I had my answer: that sometimes there are no answers. I could feel in my heart that God had been patient with me, but it had come to the point that I needed to let go; I would not have the answers to why things happened the way they did this year. Why? Because God is God and I am me.
In that moment, I caught an awe and terrifying glimpse of God. We, or at least I, forget how much bigger, how much smarter, how much more God knows than I do. He is running this entire universe, watching over lives, creating divine intersections, moving things along on a scale that I can’t even comprehend. So when He says that all things work together for good, even if I can’t see it, He does, and I need to trust that. So I let go.
I may have my answers someday, perhaps in heaven. But I have a feeling that by then, I’m not going to care. Why? I’ll finally be in God’s presence and that will be all I need.
Morgan L. Busse 