I like answers. I want to know why something works, what happens when you do X, and how can I get the best outcome. I tend to get to the point, whether it has to do with work, solving a problem, or with relationships (about drove my husband mad with this early on). So when life doesn’t compute, I want answers.
Unfortunately, sometimes there are no answers for why things happen.
I struggled with this over the past year. Most of the time I can find an explanation on why God allows something to happen. You know, the usual answers: to grow us, to prepare us for a greater blessing, fill in the blank. But none of those answers seemed sufficient for the pain and tears shed over the last several months. I wanted to know why. I wanted a reason so I could close those doors, heal, and move on.
Did God let Dan lose his job because He has something better planned? Why did it feel God was leading us to church plant, to then not have it work out? Why do bad things happen to people who want to follow God?
I will admit this past year shook my faith to its very core. I could feel the darkness closing in on me. I cried out to God, but couldn’t seem to hear Him. I felt alone and spiritually cold.
Now some people will say you should never question God. I believe it’s better to be honest with God. David was honest with God in the Psalms. Jeremiah the prophet was honest with God. God knows my heart and can see the hurt and confusion already inside. Through honesty comes truth. And with truth comes answers.
A couple weeks ago, I had my answer: that sometimes there are no answers. I could feel in my heart that God had been patient with me, but it had come to the point that I needed to let go. I would not have the answers for why things happened the way they did this year. Why? Because God is God and I am me.
In that moment, I caught an awe and terrifying glimpse of God. I forget how much bigger, how much smarter, how much more God knows than I do. He is running this entire universe, watching over every life, creating divine intersections, moving things along on a scale that I can’t even comprehend. So when He says that all things work together for good (even if I can’t see it), He does and I need to trust that. And I need to let go.
I may have my answers someday, perhaps in heaven. But I have a feeling that by then I’m not going to care. Why? I’ll finally be in God’s presence and that will be all I need.
*I wrote this back in 2011 a couple months after Dan was abruptly let go from a church we were serving at. I still have no answer as to why it happened, but for those of you going through dark times, I can tell you healing does come when you let go of your need for answers and move on, your hand in God’s hand.